Waiting.

I’m here. We’re here. We’re waiting for my grandfather to get here too. My 83-year old grandfather left from NY yesterday & his ETA is about 45 minutes. We’re hoping he doesn’t get lost between wherever in FL he is and wherever in FL we are right now. (a.k.a. – the middle of nowhere)

While eavesdropping this morning when the nurses were changing shifts, I heard them saying that the cancer has spread to her brain. That might be why she asked me how Denzel Washington was looking these days. I told him that he looked as good as ever. I guess that answer satisfied her curiosity and she drifted back to sleep.

The next time she woke up she told me that she didn’t want to die. I told her that I knew that, but her body was tired and that it was okay.

Both my sisters are here. Jillian arrived last night & stayed up until 4:30am, only going to bed because my Dad woke up. My Mom’s cousin Debbie is here too. Earlier one of my Mom’s former co-workers visited for a couple of hours.

The hospice nurses are extra-sweet people. They really are saint-like to even do work like this. I can’t imagine doing this day in and day out. They introduce themselves with hugs and sympathetic eyes. They sit in the background and make notes on the chart… offering assistance anytime my Mom makes a request (which is rare).

She’s sleeping a lot & not eating or drinking much. They’re concerned that her kidneys are failing her now. She’s getting oxygen and we’re trying to make sure she’s comfortable.

I don’t know how long to stay. I feel like I’m just sitting here waiting for her to die. If I leave, then I won’t be here when she dies & I’ll be saying good-bye to her knowing that I won’t see her alive again. Do I want to be here when she dies? Do I just wait along with everyone else?

I’m not going to make that decision right now. I’m just going to wait along with everyone else. My grandfather is making his way through Ocala right now – he’s 30 minutes away.  

Thank you for all the thoughts and kind words. It really means a lot to me. A lot.

Advertisements

About jensmack

Non-Profit HR Director, Scrapbooker, Reader, TV Lover, and Crafter. Also, Neurotic, Sarcastic, Anxiety-filled Mom of Three.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Waiting.

  1. KoKo says:

    I have no words, sweetheart. You and your family are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Know that all your shovel sisters are there with you, hugging you tight. Telling your mother it was ok to let go must was incredibly brave of you, and I know it helped your mom.

    Much, much love to you, my dear friend.

  2. Anna says:

    I am friends with Lewis and Marti. Even though we don’t know each other, I feel I know you since I have been reading your blog for a long time now. I had to come out of the shadows to tell you I am praying for your mom and your family that this unimaginably hard time will pass as painlessly as possible. I can’t imagine your sadness but your strength inspires me.

  3. Milissa says:

    Jen,

    I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I don’t kow if this means anything, but when my grandmother was dying from cancer, I chose to leave and go home. She died later that night and I wish now that I would have been there … I really don’t know why .. I don’t know if I thought I would talk her out of going or if it was just that I could say that very last goodbye … but do what you want and how you feel. Do it for you. Sometimes I think back and say maybe it was better that I left .. because I remember her as she was. Please know thatwe we are praying for you and your family … You are one of the strongest women that I know and I am so glad to know you. And, if you need anything at all … please please call and I will be there.

  4. Kimberly says:

    oh jen. my god. there are no words i can say that will make this better. i am so sorry. you are an amazing woman. an amazing daughter. your mom loves you. you love her. and she knows that. there really are no words….i don’t even know how to begin to express my sadness that this is happening. sending peace to your entire family. sending you strength.

  5. Kimberly says:

    okay…what the hell. my comment didn’t post! good thing i copied it first. take that typepad.

    oh jen. my god. there are no words i can say that will make this better. i am so sorry. you are an amazing woman. an amazing daughter. your mom loves you. you love her. and she knows that. there really are no words….i don’t even know how to begin to express my sadness that this is happening. sending peace to your entire family. sending you strength.

  6. Marti says:

    Waiting is so difficult. Big hugs to you and your family. What you wrote is so heartfelt – I feel like I’m right there with you. Hang in there and call me if you need anything.

  7. Jules says:

    I love you.

    Tell your Mother that she did a good job. She raised three wonderful daughters. That is so evident in the way you have lived your life. I wish her peace and you and your family peace.

    You know where to find me if you need me.

  8. Dale says:

    Jen, I’m thinking of you and praying for you and the whole family. Peace be with you all.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s