ETA: It’s now the next morning after writing this post. I probably should’ve mentioned that I’m a little, um, hormonal right now… and it was late and I was feeling lonely. While in the shower this morning I was thinking about how freakin’ dramatic this post was and how silly it sounded to me now. I’m sorry. I swear, I don’t feel like this all the time… just those times when I’m up late and I’m lonely. It will get better, I know that. Sorry for the Sarah Bernhardt moment. (I guess Noni was right when she called me that)
Welcome to the rollercoaster that is my life right now.
One minute I’m happy… (and believe me, it seems like it’s only a mere sixty seconds of happiness) and the next minute I’m sad, depressed, blue, frustrated – and on, and on. It seems as though the sad parts outnumber the happy parts. Man, does that suck.
I hate being like this. Such a downer. I don’t like having such bad news to share all the time. It’s an awful feeling. I know that people genuinely care about how my Mom is doing… but it’s also awkward to have to answer with “they just amputated her leg & her cancer is spreading” – how does someone respond to that? I end up feeling worse for the person who asked the question when all they’re trying to do is show some compassion.
Or… I start to feel guilty while I’m happy. Why should I feel happy when there is so much sadness in my heart? How dare I tell a joke or try to disappear in a book for a few minutes. How could I possibly do that while my Mom is laying in a hospital bed with little time left? How can I not be spending every moment of every day praying for her to be without pain and wanting her to be able to be around for her children and grandchildren?
How can I smile when my children are hundreds of miles away from me? How can I possibly be happy, even for a moment, when I so desperately miss how they smell when they come home from school… and feeling their arms around me.
I’m sure these are all ‘normal’ feelings. But they’re not normal for me. I’m not usually surrounded by so much turmoil. I don’t like chaos or this much *drama*. I’m not one of those people who seek it out – always wrapped up in such high emotional swings – that’s not me. (and believe me when I say that I know some of those people… or really just ONE, for that matter) I’m usually pretty mellow, laid back… casual. All of this has definitely sharpened the edges I’m hanging off of right now.
I know it’s just a matter of time until I’m with my kids again. That will be a huge relief & will definitely improve my mood(s). Once we get settled & moved here in Atlanta… once things get intoa new normal routine, I’m sure my rollercoaster will seem more like a carousel, at least for a little while.
The doctors are sending my Mom to a rehabilitation place (nursing home). There’s nothing more they can do for her medically except heal her wounds. They say she’s too weak for chemotherapy.
So I’ll once again be on that rollercoaster as it climbs ever-so slowly up a large hill…